twigglebby

ok so its been 6 days since i asked my mom if i could move in with  my grandma.. and  still no answer... srsly yo somthings got to give. as every day passes i cry more and more about how the suspence is killing me ...and  not in  a  good  way either. fucking gimme a fuckin answer alreadyyyyyyy df,jhd


if she says no i swear to god ima hitch hike my way to ny... no joke.. like idc who i have to blow to get there im going to ny  if it kills me.


but on a ighter note =]  my best friend finaly decided to give me and my boy her blessing [after 2 fucking years its about time. ]

 because we were  talking [like last week]  about if i do come back... how everythings gunna change.. like we most likely wont ever be as close as we were before i left because i have my boy and his friend who she dosent really like cause they're  younger then me by a year... some 3 years... and shes 2 years older then me.  and  shes got  her friends that i really really cant stand they're obnixious drunkin pot heads and im so over that aspect of my life...  but w.e .. and she calls me today and was  like i was thinking... i  give you my blessing  for you and chewy. because  the more it think about it.. the more i realize you do work out quite cutley together and i dont want that to come between our friend ship...  i was like ohh wordd good shitt i still dont like danny and probly never  will... she was like thats ok.. shes more of a friend with bennfits and your like my little sister and im not insestual. haha.

but yea it makes me happy that my best friend  finaly approves of the only guy thats been good to me in my entire life. he makes me  so happy its ridicules... i really really really really really really cant wait to beable to hug him and just sit  on the beach and talk to him like we used too <3

so i decided to make a list of people i miss and why =] idc if it intrests you im doing it<3 ill even post piccas cause i feel like it =]

1. David  <3 aka chewyy

^ thats himm
reasons:

1. i love him [duhh]
2. hes hawt <3
3. hes the sweetest kid ever
4. hes going to teach me to play hockey and skateboard
5. hes afraid of froggs
6. he makes me smile with out trying
7. he going to take me to a bring me the horizion show even tho im terafied of moshes
8. hes letting me drag him to a gym class heroes concert
9. hes takeing me to an islanders game <3
10. we have fun just sitting in starbucks blowing straw rappers at eachother
11. hes taken me back after i fucked up and cheated on him.
12. we hate all the same people
13. we love all the same people
14. we make fun of people  we dont know for fun
15. he thinks im pretty even when im bumming it
16. he knows who the horror pops are and likes them 
17. we have a movie marathon date for the day i get back... disney movies and troy =]
18. he dosnet smoke weed
    

Nastacia  Aka stacie Aka sta

1. we constantly match accidently
2. were both tone deaf
3. we could live off of green tea and saltines for a month and not think its weird
4. we hate almost everyone exept our friend
5. she keeps me sain
6. shes my other half.
7. she thinks im the pretty one [shes CRAZY]
8. she justfies talking shit about  other people  by the fact that we talk more shit about our selfs
9. shes pericing me fo my birthdayy
10. she dosent tell me i look cute unless i really do
11. when i look like shit she says yo twigg you look like shitt go change
12. she buys me ciggies if i give her a 10 minn back massage
13. we stay up all niight  so we can make the first buss to the mall...and then not buy anything exept starbucks
14. she trys to get away with smoking in public bathrooms
15. she dosent smoke weed
16. she's my drinking buddy
17. she stole a watermellon form a super market
18. she stole an avacado
19. we stole like a billion pairs of undies...
20. she stole me a 70 $ pair of sunglasses just because she could
21. shes a tanerxic
22. shes georgussss
23. i love her
24. she dosent smoke weed
25. have i mentioned she dosent smoke weed?
26. ewe make up raps in the rain just because we can

Karen AkA drunkinmonkee Aka monkee

1. iv known hwe FOREVER and a day
2. she makes me seem rational
3. she makes me  feel less slutty
4. she dosent take offence when i tell her the truth
5. shes ahmazing
6. shes georgus
7. we walk arounf aimlessly for no reason and end up haveing a story to tell everyone at school
8. we have paint/bubble/paper ball fights
9. were both camrea whores
10. she trys to find good in everyone eveen if there is  none
11. shes straight up and tells it like it is
12. were both always on a diet
13. we both enjoy going fisshing for complements
14. were both light weights
15. were the exat same person
16. shes loud and obnixious like me
17. were both spiteful bitches... you fuck with one of us we'll fuck you harder <3

so i finaly got the balls to ask my mom if i could live in ny with my nanny. and she didnt answer me . not that i expected her to. but  she didnt say anything. and like i was expecting her to say SOMTHING but she kinda just looked at my step dad. who knows what she was thinking. i think she knew what was comming. but idk waiting for an answer is like  waiting to find out if you have cancer.

and i prety told her everything. exept what  is really  slowly killing me.  my boy. i hate being so far away from him. hes the first guy whos actully cared about me.. and not my rep as a "whore"  he wants me  to stop smoking and drinking and he says he'll do the same. the only reason we even broke up is because my mom made me move. but still i really really really really really really like him alot... i might even love him. iv never felt like this  about anyone before... EVER and you know its scary. like hoe did i end up so lucky? hes never lied to me... not once. he takes care of me. we have fun just sitting in starbucks makeing fun of eachother. hes not a corny cliche person .. hes like the guy i drempt about when i was like little. and  the fact that he exists and loves me back is a scary thought.. its too good to be true it scares the shit out of me.

i really hope they realize what georgia has done to me. its made me  an anti socical fat depressed slob. but then again some times i think thats what they want. why else would they move me all they way to georgia riight when im finaly makeing friends.?  but its w.e  they have been doing this ot me  since i was little. and its not like its easy for me to make friends. its really fucking hard to be honest. but w.e i should of knew my life was too perfect to last . i had everything. a good boy  real friends i got in to niight school. i was HAPPY like  really fucking happy. and   they were like oh no shes happy.. lets move her to the most secluded fucking place we can. hows georgia PERFECT! she'll never be happy there!





w.e georgia is  straight homo.

yes  im just warning you  not its another pointless rant about how i hate georgia.  how i wish the entire state would implode. how when  it dose implode im going back to ny,,,, that was just the warning.. so rember you've been warned


so im missing my seccond irish day on saterday.. and thats fucking gay. iv been here a year im done .. im over it if im not home by Xmas im going to go compleatly crazy. i hate it here. its icky and ugly and gross ad nasty and southern.. and fat. and gross. my mom says  she moved me here to get me out of trouble and yet the only positive things in my life are in ny.  i have nothing  here. nothing at all. and she couldent even move me to a place like n.j where at least my friends could potentialy come see me on the weekends or i could go visit them . i miss my friends so fuckin muuch its like a peice of me is mising and every day that peice gets bigger and soon there will be nothing but the empty shell of what was me left. andmy moms going to blame somthing else try to get me on 8492379 meds and use it as an excuse to keep me here . when in reality its all her fault im this way to begin with. i dont like blaming her for everything  but  this  time  it really is her fault. if she didnt move me to georgis i would've gotten a REAL highschool diploma. i wouldent sleep all day just so time would go by. i woulden sit on my ass all  day. i wouldent be anti socical. i wouldent cry every niight. i wouldent wake up everymorning wondering when ill wake up from this fucking nightmaremy best friend wouldent be my cat. there are so many things gkdsgkdshglksdhglaskhglkas

i fuckin  wish someone would kidnap me..  i cant even typr so im dont for the niight .. my head hurts im crying and im done, i just fuckin give the fuck up

to go back to ny. srsly yo ... im so sick of georgia... its gay, boring, i dont  know anyone, theres nothing to do, theres no beach, no sand, no bordwalk, no cool people, no hot guys, no manhattan , almost no starbucks, everyone has stupid accents, no stacie no monkee, no chewy, no scotthiew, no damien, no cici, no jean, no baamber, no emmy, no shannnnon, no any one. i srsly feel like iv lived under a rock for the past year. i hate it. im a socical creature i need to be arround people i like. my biddys you know? idk im so over georgia and everything in it. i cant stand this state i cant stand the entire bible belt. im so over it. i really really really  just wanna go HOME. yes  back to ny where i have a life. and friends, and my family. my little cousins call me likeWE MISS YO SO MUCH  and i cry every time. i just wanna go home is that too much to ask for my birth day. really?

i hate it here with a passion. i know im not supposed to hate any one or any thing but  thats the only word i can think of to describe how i feel about this fucking place... idk judge me as you will but iv lived pretty much in the same town my whole life and then am forsed to drop everything to move to an ugly house in an ugly town filled with ugly people and a smellu suer. ihate uga and the bulldogs and the gym dogs and  everything else about uga i dont liek jitteryjoes or the taco stand or barberitos or k mart or wall mart or arbys.i miss the pita grill and my brothers [as much as i think there annoying] and my cousins and my nanny and my poppy and my aunt. i just wanna go home.

i had so much good shit going for me in ny. i finaly had a good boy, REAL friends, i got in to night school, i was figureing out who i was on my own. i was dropping the fake people in my life and trying to get my shit together.  and alll that had to be put on hold so my fuckin mother could ship me off to bumblefuck georgia. my entire life is in ny and  i cant belive a mother  would let  her child be so misrable  i really cant

i swear to god i cry about it every niight. then i wake up in the morning and smile liek ok everythings fine but its not. the only thing  that keeps me  sane is the hope that ill go back to ny soon and get my life back. get my boy back get everything back. i know change is good or w.e but i tried it. i trried to make my self like it here ... i still am trying... but i cant. its not working.. i ask god every night to please please please let me move back to ny before i turn 17. please. and i dont think hes answering my prayer because my birthday is in a month and 10 days and i still ahve no tickett. iv had dreams of becoming a model since i an rember and  how the fuck am i supposed to do that in athens? what? am i supposed to be the spokes modle for arbys?  fuck that. i wanna go to ny and get a good agent. in ny. thats my one dream in life.  it cant happen here.  i swear if im forsed to stay here one more year there going to have to lock me up in the fucking loonybin. i wont beable to take it.

the one good thing about living in georgia is the family i babysit for. i love that family . but thats it. thats not alot to grab on to when your slowly going insain. i mean srsly thats the last thing on my mind when im crying in my bed at one in the morning barley able to breath.  theres so much going through my mind that i cant even get in to words riight now.

i miss my boy and my biddy most of all .in that order. i miss his hair.. his silly sence of humor, his dimples,his laugh, his slight resemblence to travis mccoy. i miss everything about him. and i miss stacie. i miss her sillyness i miss listing to her storys i miss how we could go to the supermarkett and have the best time ever.. i myss  everything about her too.idk

i hate that i hate it hear. and i really am trying to like it.. witch is saying alot concerding if i dont like somthing im usualy like fuck this im gunna be a bitch untill its over. but im trying really  really trying to like it or at least get used to it. maby im just crazy and deranged. who fuckin knows any more. jshgkhh.

 i wish that my mom would just trust me to beable to make desisions on my own. trust that i know what im doing and let me make my own mistakes. because i could be alot worse then i am. i could be like those girls on maury who are 14 and trying to get pregg.  i could be out doing coke and herion. i could be drinking every niight getting trashed, but you know what im not. i never was like that EVER.  yes i do drink occasionaly and even less occasionaly i over do it . but thats it. im not out robbing banks.. im out being a teenager. just like im sure  she was.   i want to live with my nanny so badly. she dosent live in my home town but its a 5 minn train ride away so  w.e  good enough for me. id go to naussa communtiy school with the rest of the kids my age and i would get my life back together. idc if i get anything else for my b-day. i would be nice but if all i get is a one way tickett to JFK airport  ill be happy. and its not even like  im trying to get my mom to let me live with my best friend any more. i wanna live with my fuckin grandmother. fuck i would live in a cardboardbox under the boardwalk at this point. as long as i could have my life back

sometimes its hard even getting out of bed anymore.. sometime si sleep all day just to make the time go by quicker. but for the most part i suck it up but on my fake smile and pretend everythings ok. im tired of pretending everything is NOT ok. i dont wanna do it any more i really am sick of pretending  but i know i will for my moms sake. i dont wanna hurt her any more then i have.  but i really wish i could just have a calm convo with her about this shit, but instead its only when i g et all pissed off and start to throw a fit that the truth of this  comes out. and you know she dosnet take it srsly then. and even if she dose  she thinks its just because im pissed that im saying it. idk. i just really really really really really really really really really really wanna go home. im sick of my red room im sick of my ugly orange house im sick of  sitting in my room or on the computer all day while all my friends are out haveing lives. im sick of not being able to talk to my friends face to face im sick of it all. i hate it hear i really do. im aware i sound redundent but fuck it im just  saying everything as it pops in to my head.

the closest thing i have to  a life is my sim world. i live my life thru them. i have a sim for pretty much everyone i know and that is basically how iv been living my life. how retarted is that?! im so fed up with it all.. i want to be back in my tiny room with my oversised bed and stacies drawings allover my walls. i want to get in to movies for free with my best friends just  because i know everyone. id even take haveing all te rumers spread about me perioticaly . i want the gut at starbucks already haveing my drink made as i walk in the door and getting it for free. i want to be able to go out at niight on the board walk with nothing to do and see people i know doing the same thing and slowly form a group of people doing nothing but talking shit about other people. i want to ride the n15 to the mall with no money. i want to be me again.  i want to go out in last nights clothes and not feel like a dirt bag  because i see at least 4 people doing the same thing. i wnat to know everyother person i see walking arround twon.

i really dont understand why she would do this to me. i really dont. ok so what i got drunk a few times. ok so i have sex  big fuckin deal. alert the fucking media a teenager drinking and haveing sex!!! this  shit has never been seen befor!!!!  im positive she was drinking an haveing sex at my age. im not a retard it dosent take a fucking genius to figure that one out.  you dont get preggers at 18 by holding hands idc what your mom told you.  kjdshkdgh and im the fuckin skrew up of the family.. >.<

and the worst part about it is they've been giving me false hope about moving to back to ny since before we even moved to georgia.. first they said as soon as i got my GED  i could go bakc, then they changed there mind. then they said when stacie got an apt i could move in with her. then she changed there minds. theyve been lying to me my whole life ideky i thought they were  telling the truth then.... and then they go and deny that they ever even said any of that or  they go " well we didnt want you to throw a fit" they constantly treat me like im 7 im almost  17 for fuck sake. they need to get over the fact that im not a child and  they need to stop trying to run every aspect of my life.  most girls my age either dont have a cerfue or its like 2am.. my crefue is 11 wth?  i know ninyearolds  with later cerfues but its not like i go anywhere any way. i think i now know what the ferrits must feel like cooped up in a cage untill someone lets them out for a few hours. i can totaly relate,. most girls my age's parents dont look throu there daughters journals/personal belongings looking for dirt they can use against the kid at a later date. most 17 year girls have a little more freedom then an 8 year old..most 17 year old girls dont get there 100 dollar skirts i got for Xmas ripped up by there mother [witch she denyed for like a month then finaly was liek "it was for your own good.... fuck that it was so you could feel like you were in control of somthing. she had no riight to do that in any way shape or fourm im still fucing pissed and i think sh should buy me a new 100 dollar skirt] its pathetic.. its like by treating me like a incompetant todler they'll keep me one. thats not how it works im not a child its ime  you droppe kicked me out of the nest and let me fly on my own. let me move in with my grandma in ny and let me be happy. thats what mothers are supposed to want for there child riight ... for them to be happy

 i cant even listing to alot of the music i loved becaue it makes me tink of stacie or gabie or chewy or my brother or cosins andi have to fight back tears. its ridicules and  stupid i know  but its the truth. there are so many things i missed in this fucking year. things ill never get back as hard as i try ill never get back my chance at haveing a sweet 16, my best friends 18th birthday. my brothers first birthday, my bestfriends graduation, 2 irishdays.seeing rent on broadway. my seinor home comming dance, getting to see my brother in the little kid world series. those kind of things you cant get back. and i missed it all because of my mother.  i really wish she woulda just left me  at my grandmothers house. life woulda been so much eayser. yea my nannys superoverprotective of her only grandchild and id probly have more rules then i do now but at least she trusts me to an extent....and she dose my laundry and cooks really really well


idk.. if your read this entire thing cudos to you i woulda got bored after the first paragraph. but w.e im tired and i have to be up before 11 tomorow. pluse iv been wrighting for about 40 minns. so i give up. in genral at everything...


so i leave you with the only thing thats made me guenly make me smile in a long time.

metallikid92 (11:35:12 PM): kitty woof
fuxinbarbiedollx (11:35:19 PM): kitty mew mew
metallikid92 (11:36:48 PM): its meow
metallikid92 (11:36:51 PM): not mew
metallikid92 (11:36:57 PM): mew is a pokemon

yea... thats my boy<3

so i apperently do NOT have to ave up.  idk if i said this in an earlyer post but yea my biffle was liek  twiggy..... go buy ciggrettes... ill get you hear.. dont worry why  do  you think im morking so effin much?!. so yea.

but like  a few days ago.... my step dad took my internet away for likr next to no reasin.  and the next day he was liek compleatly removing it from its spot... thene he nailed my bathroom door shut..... then he took the cable out of my room. then while i was out to buy newports he stole my cell .... his excuse for his inexcuseable behaivor? "i pay the bill..... so you have no riight to use it.." its  like  dude chill the fuck out.. for serious.  im six fuckin teen. 

and it all started?  when i passed my GED test.??!?!?!! like srslywtf dude this is supposed to be a happy fuckin time ... not one for you to make compleatly misreable... geezzzzz..

so any way...........
today my mom comes in my room [i was awake cause i cant sleep without the tv on.] and was liek  if you want any of the shit back you need to start paying rent.... once again im six fucking teen.  her demands were somthing like  20dolars for internet... 15 for power... and  30 for cable... are you fuckin serious???!?!?! like srsly?!?!??!  isnt that like child abuse??!?!?!?

soooo  after she said that i bounced. i straight up bounced.. i didnt even say anything. and as i was shutting the door behind me i heard two things.

1. my mom saying I HOPE YOUR LOOKING  FOR A JOB
2. my step father.... no i wouldent call him that.... the prick my mom married is  better use of words... shouting YOUR  ROOM IS NEXT...

i ran.. then  cryed then walked and cryed then  sat and cryed then walked my ass to jennys  house. hopeing to talk to either jenny or her mom. i got both, i caught jenny as she was leaving her house... on her way to pick up a friend then go out to eat, i got in and explained. then afterwords she brought me to her casa so i could tlk to  her mom. me and "mommy" as i call her had a nice long talk about my options and what i should doo. and we agreed that ifnothinh else  i shouldent go home for a while.

so i went  home gos my "runawaybag" and  said to my mom VERY nicly... i think im going to stay at jennys untill things cool off. in my mind i was saying fuck you  your passive little troll... jkjk no i love my mom its him i have issues with that i rather not get into.  and she gave me this middleschool evil look and was like kay bye.

so i left. with my little bag... not that i dont already have a huge suitcase compleatly packed with all my clothes and shit but i didnt want to drag it out of the house.

so i went to work with jenny then we went to her friend from kindergartens house and talked for a while... and jenny gets a call from her mom.... and apperently my mom called jennys and mad it look like i was over reacting ? wtf? how was i supposed to react to that? was i supposed to pull money out of ass and be like uhm here you go. was i supposed to be like  dude stfu i live in a COLLAGE TOWN no one hires you unless your 18.... possibly. but i knew  that  would lead to a potentital fight.. one i didnt want to deal with nore did i have the energy to do so.


so now im safly at a good friends house for a while and tomorow i will hopefully get the rest of my shit and bounce hopefuly for good =]

ok so  today i was going throu my room  trying to dowsize my crap.. ha.. so i went throu my jeans (and the pockets) and  lucky me i found a 5 dollar bill =] and and and and and a few singles =]  probly from when i went to nc with jenny.  then i went throu the rest of my buckets of clothes and on the bottem of the buckettes i found MADDDDD change .. i was happy...

so like all in all im up two twentyfour twentyone hahah  yay me =]

can you tell im in a mood?
idk i was in a good mood all day  then like 20 mins ago its like a switch flipped and im all upset for no reason wtf i hate this shit. w.e  so my day was as uneventful as usual. i woke up, ate some chicken, unloaded the  dishwasher [twice]  took a shower found 25 cents and now in sitting here writing  about my uneventful  day. waiting  for my new yogamazing podcast to load. so i can get my yoga on.

so yea i found 25 more cents  by the steps in my moms room. and i was like HAH MINE NOW and she laughed at me.  so that  totals up to 9.56 witch is  good because on every Sunday i want to have ten dollars in the piggy bank.. mhm ... blah blah blah,,,

so i shut off my phone yesterday and i have no intention of turning it back on for a while.  the only people who callme latley are people im in no mood to talk to at the moment. like lisa or  people.. idk

but i HAVEEEEEE to turn it on on Sunday night cause on Monday im supposed to be getting a  call from silver sun tanning. so yea. but if it wasent for that i wouldn't turn it on for a week or two at least. i like taking myself off the radar for weeks at a time. even when i was little  like  4th grade... i remeber this one time i told everyone i was gonna run away from school and that night i got REALLY sick and i was out of school for like 3 weeks  and when i came  back to school everyone was all freaked out.. i loved it.... but i hated  when my goodie goodie friends went to the school psychologist and  had like this mini intervention that shit fuckin sucked.

hha

mk well im off to get my yoga on.

-the infamous twiggle <3

hehe  i got 60 more cents today!  yay me! im really hopping i  get this tanning salon job im REALLY  hopeing. 
well im up to 9.31$$ so that means only like 69 cents away from my goal this week witch excites me!

so i talked  to my step dad and mom about it and  as usual there not supportive. eh ill live.  they  dont think i can do it but what else is new? for serious. idk man. i just  dont know.

well im off to play the sims now [haa im such a dorkling <3]
love you guys lots

-the infamous twiggy=]

okay so i know i havent been here for a while and i apologize  .... but madddd stuff has gone down


well first off. me and my best friend have officially started moving funds for me  to finally move back home. and for once im going to try to do this all on my own.. im not even telling my mom and step dad iv made one. so since i have no job [yet] all of its in change. so far i have 8.71 in mostly  quarters and pennies.  and my goal is  10$$ a week so in 3 months ill have enough. my best friend is also saving a little  for me too. shes saving a dollar a day until i get there and its probably going to be spent on lie first weeks food. haha  ive already  decided that im not taking as much as i probably should  but o well. all i think im taking is .. my 2 giant posters [sublime and gymclassheros] some clothes [hoodies tank tops and  jeans mostly] underwear. my pictures//frames a couple of books and my camera all of witch can hopefully fit in one or 2 suitcases .

so i think ill update every day  just to  show if  im reaching my goal of 10 dollars a week,,,

mk so i applied to mad places. tanning salons k mart wall mart some telemarketing place i even stooped so low as to apply to fast food restaurants. and  nothing . the tanning place  said i should get a call on Monday ... one can  only home. but with my luck i wont get the job.  thats the job i really want to work at. my friend jean  works at on back in ny and she loves it like whoa.. apperently you tann for free if you work at the one im applying for i really hope o get it.and if i do ever get a job. im gonna save 20 dollars a week instead of 10


mk now on to my rant...

i love how people assume im weak  because of my size. fuckin yea im tiny but i fight  big. i don't fight fair man i fuckin use weapons, i bite mad hard i pull out hair.. i kick... but  people  in GA  ain't never seen me fight cause i  mellowed  fuckin  out when i moved because who wants to  be friends with a bitch who pops of at every little  comment  ya dig.

i love how people assume im all offended  when i snap back at them with attitude. im not offended bitches  i just have a fuckin attitude problem. it amuses me   for serious.

mk so  like  i had  a faux  wedding like 2 weeks ago.  and  the entire time  people  who i met like once or twice wants me to have hearts to hearts  with them... i guess to help understand me?  who the fuck knows. the  first was this kid sean who i had maddddd problems with and  hes the only  person in Georgia iv punched seriously. so he was like "blah blah blah oh and dude you took me  by surprise i really  didn't think  you would hit like that... concerning your size and girlyness. i thought you would  hit like a girl."   i was like yea i guess  after being the one people  can  just  pick up and carry around  you have to learn how to  fight big so  people don't try and fuck with you. so w.e me and him are cool now.

the next person was ko.i call him kotex don't ask. but i digress so he was going out with this girl Kayla [see pictures the girl im licking in one.]  and  shes extremely clingy. like seriously clingyand  he wanted to  break up with her and apperently im good at giveing advice so he came to me  on how to do it. 

then  i got  some free time  for the wedding cake and  to see josh [who came just for me!]  then  i was  sitting by the fire pit talking with  my new hippy friend Carla when this kid Austin pulled me away and needed a heart to heart with me. ok w.e   im  not getting in to  detail because hes my friend and he told me  in confidence so im not gonna  say anything.  but that convo lasted like 2 hours no joke.

so then i was having fun dancing to  music [the only one COMPLETELY  sober other then jenny dale and kayla and im proud of my self !!]  running around  and someone  said something [i really don't remember what] and i started to bug. i  just started  crying  so i like ran in the bathroom and  started having like an anxiety  attack. it was terrible.  i didnt want anyone to touch me or look at me or talk to me and  next thing you know  there are 12 people in the tiny little bathroom wondering whats wrong with me. see and i thought i locked the damn  door  apparently not

then i got pissed at josh with good reason. then i got over it. then i got pissed again at him. then i got cold. and he held me. then  he went home and i went to bed ... the next morning  i woke up and sean apparently went missing and  everyone was all scared ... w.e  ... so we went  to go  find him..

yea thats  the most exitetment iv had in a while.... how sad is that? for serious.

so i  got a haircut. it sucks. i feel like a  boy.  eyedeekay. i am still unemployed.... it sucks... i hate  not haveing money. eyedeekay. i have a weird pain on my side. it hurts. im in pain. 

 

im being  forsed  to  spent  from tomorow to easter MONDAY  not sunday  with my grandmah and  my 4 nonrelative baby cosins. im looking foward to it... only not.  i just got baks  from  being there  fro a week. now i have to go baks  fro another 5 daysAND i have to sleep on the couch this time too  witch is lame. lame. lame lame.  bah. well at least im getting paid this time. =]

 

so hm josh is  back in town. no phone call from  him. i guess he was just telling me what i wanna  hear  when  he said "ill call you  as soon as i get back in to town. psh i hate males.

 

 

eh  nothing really intresting going on in my life.

 

im on a diet of cottage chease .......

yea  thats about it. cottage chease.. but on sunday im just  gunna  gain all the  weight back so why the fuck do i  even bother

is  rong  with me? like every niight for the past week iv been dreaming about 1 of 2 things... or both. being  married to billy OR  haveing a baby and doing speed. iv never done anything  worse then  weed. so  like why im dreaming about speed  bafels me.  idk... and why billy? why a baby? im so  confused by my dreams to the  point where  it annoys me.  like  do i subconsiously i like  want him?  maby im getting too rapped up in the"game"  and like  im starting to  think i still have feelings  for him? who knows  but its really starting to get to me. kfhgskhgksgjs

 

 

igiveup

as is hottness...

my best friend is turning in to a hoe. all because she wants to be known. i gett that shes 18 but seriously. she has a girlfriend  and shes grinding all over everyone she can  lay  her grubby paws on. i love her dearly but maby its time i let her go? i got moved to georgia because i was turning out like that and she was the one trying to keep me fully clothed. ha. noe  when i go visit her im gunna have to play mommy and im not up  for  the chalenge ya  kno? its like  i think subconciously theres a reason why i have no friends my age. its cause i dont like  havein g to be the resposcible one. i  like to be able to  have fun

 

that just cant happen  if i end up being with her all summer, im gunna  end up haveing to  take care of her ass  witch is not  somthing im  up for, iv taken  care of her ass enough for 2 years  now shes  18 and  im  not  doing it any  more i  refuse,.

i love how iv gotten  so good at the "game" that  not even the person  that taught it to me knos  im palying it. its amazing. i  guess if you get played  long enough by the same guy  you get really good at playing his ass riight back.  im like  omg billy i love you... and make him feel all good. then  he can  say one rong  word  and ill hang up and turn my phone off and when i turn it back on i have 5 voice mails and 24 calls from him... haha i officaly own his ass. its an amazing feeling. now i know why  he did  it  to me for  so long

 

haha idk

 

just when i think im finaly ofer billy. he goes and makes me fallin love with him over and over again even though we both know it wont ever work out between us. likeseriously its not fair cause he knows everything about me so he knows just what to say even if he is just telling me what i wanna  hear. its nice to know someone still thinks im beautiful.

 

i constantly thank god for billy comming in to my life. despite all he has done to me id like to think there  was a reason for it all. we broke up with each other... in a bad fight on mainstreet he was mad at me for being mad at  him and i was mad at him for cheating. weve been annoyed with eachother silently for weeks and i guess it esclated and  finaly blew up in our faces.  who knows the reason we didnt  tlk it out like we did  with the rest of our little  fights but liek i said  every thing that  happened  for a reason and  that was no diffrent.

i wish things ended difrently tho honestly i wish it didnt  take us as long as it  did  to start talking again. i wish we didnt  do the  things we  did out of spite and i wish i got over him.  but i think theres a reason i didnt and i dont belive in love. but i know its  somthing deeper then  lust for  him. sometimes  i space and just wonder what would happen  if we didnt break up. what would  happen  if we stayed to gether. would we be together  now? would we be as close as we are?  who knows what coulda been  what shoulda been.     all i know is we make mistakes  we pay for the  consaquences. the consaquence for this mistake just happened to be loosing my  best friend. my boyfriend. and the "love" of my life. 

i miss haveing a reason to wakeup in the morning

a reason to  get out of bed and wether  it be good or bad a place to go.

 

now when i wake up. i look at the time, look at my phone to see if i have any missed calls, smoke a cigrette and lay in bed for hours untill my mom comes in arround 3 to make sure im not dead. what kind of life is that. a sucky one. only i could miss school  this much. at least in school i saw more then jenn yand  my mother. it makes me sick to think that i seriously hve nothing to do ever. i have no friends. i eat sleep watch tv and tlk to people on the computer all fuckin day.

 

i serously have not been genuwinly happy in the past 5 months what dose that  say ? idk

 

even when i dropped out of school and still lived in longbeach. i allways had somthing to do. it wasent exiting or anything but it was somthing.  i would go pick up stacie at 4 ish  from work wed walk to starbucks then go to the food marked and  get vegan food to last us the night.  then wach tv or go visit our friends at work. id allways have SOMTHING to do or SOMEONE  to hang out with. here thats  not the case in the  least.

 

here i have ONE friend and NOTHING to  do ever and it really makes me  upset like serously.

 

idk ignore this post

my vakentines day was pretty  gay.

im a single female... there for  valentines day sucks. have you ever noticed that when  your  single... all you tend to read about/see/hear about is  couples. it makes me sick. srsly idfk.

 

so i woke  up yesterday with this weird pain behind my eyes. and its getting progressivly worse as time gose on.  today i layed in bed fro 3 hours with my eyes shut because it hurts to keep them open. finaly at 2 i decided i was bored and i wanted to watc htv to i looked arround for my remote.... then i got bored of tv anddecided to take my chances at  the  computer desk.

 

i think i  causght what jenny had only worse.. cause  she  didnt have  a weird pain behind her eyes but she did have a major cough and she was kinda delirous... i think i might just have  a really bad case of strep tho. every time i get  sick its strep. every single time srtep with a sinus infection perhaps?

 

 

wow  i need  to stop talking about that.  my eyes hurt im  going to  lay  down

 

i have more to say...

 

i fuckin hate athens   so  far. this is  the  lamest thing iiv  ever witnessed. honestly i  feel  like im  on  hell on  earth.

 

psh and my mom  moved me  here  for a  more "wholsum and safer" enviorment. mhm fuck  that  she moved me  here cause  she  was  sick of longbeach.  she dose this to me EVERY  FUCKIN TIME WE MOVE...  ill move  some where  and  automaticly im  dubbed  the weird  new girl. then  somthing will happen  and ill become " popular" or well liked to say  the least.  then riight when i start to  really  like were we live.  shes like  " i dont think  this  place is a  good influnce on you twiggy .  were  moving  13hours away  so youll never  get to  see your  friends again" and the  worst  part is. i dropped out of  highschool last  year. so ill never make  alot of friends. ill never  meet a decently cute  boy. i should  just be a monk.srsly  i could   live  a  life of solitar...  and  take an  othe or silence.  and my mom wants me to have no friends or w.e  so  this will be an all arround  crowed pleaser.

 

i fuckin hate it  here

i hate it i hateit i hater it  i hate it

srsly yo. in longbeach i was like a localceleberty. ok i wasent but me and my  best friend as a  pair were. we were like  paris and  nicole .... here im NOBODY and  you try makeing that adjustment its  probly the  worst  feeling in the  world. going  from  being invited to  everyparty in  town haveing people  you  dont even know either love you  or hate you.... to  basically living at a computer desk with cofee and  ciggretts.  thats pretty much what my life consists of..... iv even goten  in to a pathitic  rutene.... i wake  up at 7... wach the nanny untill 9 fall back asleep untill 11 when  will and grace comes on at noon i watch strangers with candy then i get up brush my teeth and  go  get a bowl of cearl...sit at the computer dexk untill my eyes bleed arround 3 then i watch fresh prince, reba, and still standing untill i cant sit still then i go get  somthing else to eat and sit at the  computerdesk untill 11 when the  dailyshow somes on... or on tuesdays 10 ehwn the badgirls club comes on. then i watch comedy central  untill i pass out. im pathitic...... athens  sucks

 

my  exboyfriend saud as soon as he gets his  licence  hes  comming to visit me. .... we  now have  the relationship of redneck cosins... we act like  brother and  sister... and yet i still fuck him and  he promises me  if were not married to other people by the time im 30 and  hes 32 hes marring me. ... so  when  he comes to visit me im going to beg him  to kidnap me and  take me home. not the house i live in now... but my  home. where i have a life. the home where i never  felt this  constant sadness.  the  home i was  forsed to  leave after living there for6 years ...witch  is the longest iv  ever  lived anywhere by at least 3 years.   its not fair. iv  tryed makeing the  best  of this place... i really have.  iv given  ti  3 and a half months.. know what thats gotten me?  one friend...... and 10 thats  given up on me..... fat....amd bitchy all the  time. yea... and 

she  moved me here  for a more  wholesum enviornment meanwhile our  nextdoor neighbors are like theses  massive  drug dealers and  i cant  walk any where with  out some  black guy asking me if i  need a ride or  some  stoned whiteboys asking if i know anyone who works arround here ... wth why  would  any one ask that?  are they implying i look like  a hooker... or maby a coke  head?  idk  AND another thing i  hate about athens... there arent any sidewalks  wth is this?  iv lived next to the projects  and  we  still had sidewalks.  people down here are RETARTED omg  there   fuckin idiots. and theres som many fuckin trees and bugs im a  city girl. cmon all my life i was able to  take a 15-30 minn train ride to  nyc... now?  hah  now i  live  over an hour away  from the  nearst  reall  city.. wth is this.. not only that  but  how  dos  my mother  expect me to  survive with out the  beach  12 feet from  my front  door 

 

i may sound spoiled...  but  whatever  i will pack my  self in a ups box have them  come  pick me up and send myself to my old apt just to  get  back to newyork... dsjghkjhskd i fuckin  hate georgia.

 

 

 

theendmotherfuckers

why cant i be single for onw fuckin week with out  needing to be in a nother relationshit?

 

srsly. i need a boy in my life inorder  to feelgood about myself. even  if that boy annoys the crap out of me or better yet ignors my existince... as  long  as my myspace says "taken" i feel  good.  riight now i feel  ugly and  not worth anyones time

 

am i really  that desprate? wth.

 

all im asking  for is a cute spanish/whiteboy who skateboards has a cute shaggy haircut... cute "v" muscles and dimples. who is sweet but not weirdly nice. someone  who can be an asshole and argue with me .

in my oppion thats not too much to ask... and the  hair dimples and skateboardingness are optional. perferd. but optional.

 

 

GAH  idk mannnn  im  spilling my guts to a computer. thats  got  to  say  somthing about me. maby i am insane? i probly am. jhgksdjghiudghkrjhfduihfkdjhdfijhlfkd

 

idek.